He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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