so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
she smelled like a LAN party
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
