I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I checked into jail on foursquare
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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