Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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