i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
