woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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