I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
