ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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