Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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