I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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