Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
