Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
