I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
