one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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