alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
