Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
