he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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