After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
