last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
