Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
