I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
My bed smells like the plague
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