omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
