I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
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