I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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