I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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