Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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