You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
