I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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