You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
