dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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