halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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