I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
