Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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