Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
