HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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