when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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