There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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