They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm like, not good at living.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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