Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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