God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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