You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
home. puking in laundry basket.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
