and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
