onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
