So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
