i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
