Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
