Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
