I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
