Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
