every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
